I think I won the penis lottery.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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