now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
