I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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