Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
