Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
