I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
