Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
