My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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