from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
