he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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