that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
