Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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