Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
