Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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