I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
