I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
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