PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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