Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
