he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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