If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
