I wish my penis had an off switch
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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