so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize