i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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