it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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