And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize