Ambien. No doubt about it.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
