I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
