Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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