i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
