I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
