You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The police scanner is talking about you again....
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
