so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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