what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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