what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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