So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
