I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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