I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
