Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
