I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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