You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
