Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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