I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
