M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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