I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize