I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
