they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
