I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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