do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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