i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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