that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
