WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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