did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
