How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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