so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
