drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
