he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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