I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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