Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
