ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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