i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
