The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
