I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Randomize
