True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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