The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
