1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
