Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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