I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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