the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
